Seek and you shall find MALIBU

I never deleted this blog. I changed the url so you would think i deleted it and i could write how i felt without knowing you could see it. I knew you were reading this when i asked for a sign from you and you messaged me with "chin up".

God i miss you. I miss you every single day. Its actually stupidly dumb that i still feel like this.
I feel like i dont know you and i still love the shit out of you for some reason.

I miss your face and your laugh and your skin and your dumb dancing and your funny legs and your stupid jokes and our sushi place and eating spring rolls with you and having picnics in your garden and your dogs and your fish and the smell of your bedroom and your messy as fuck cupboards and your mugs on the windowsill and your mexican hat and bottle of moet and your ksubi stickers on the wall and spooning you and watching sunsets with you and crap like that.

I guess i feel okay though because im not in any position to be loved by you. Im not vegetarian anymore, i dont have hair anymore, i dont wear floral dresses, i smoke, i drink all the time, i talk to people you hate and have more tattoos. Im glad its put a reality divide between us so i cant go through everyday wondering if today you'll wake up and miss me.

I dont really care if you miss me. But i know i miss you. I miss the way you made me feel everyday.

I always want to see you even though i know i'd vomit if it happened. I find it strange that i haven't seen you once basically since we broke up. No accidental bumps into you around Macquarie which i fear everyday that i have university, and no bumps into you at Chatswood or north head or anything.

I drinking Malibu as i write this - maybe its what got me so nostalgic.

But for once i'd like to drive you around in my car, take you around the city, buy you food and music and movies and i'd take care of you. Show you the things i know. I became so dependant on you that i forgot how to take charge myself. I guess the moment i felt like i lost you was the moment i needed to hold on to you with every fucking part of me.

My god you broke me so much. I would wake up in the morning and want to kill myself the moment i realised that we were no longer together. I didnt eat properly for 4 months. I lost so much weight because all i did was vomit from anxiety and not move or eat because i was so consumed by loneliness and depression. I physically couldnt move. All i did was cry. And ask people to stay home from work or uni so i wouldnt be alone so i wouldnt have time to think about you. I cant believe the hold you had over me.

And i still cant FUCKING believe i'm writing this crappy bullshit about you when YOU DON'T CARE. we broke up 10 months ago for fucking hell sake! what is wrong with me!? WHY AM I SO GAY

you suck
i miss you
i love you
youre beautiful and are like sunshine
we can have competitions on whos got the least brassy blonde hair now
i miss sitting on your lounge room floor colouring our hair. i miss my red hair just because it reminds me of you. GOD HOW FUCKING GAY

I hate this dumb ass feeling. its so dumb. you're dumb. i'm dumb. my brain is dumb. i hate you. i could write about this bullshit forever because i'm nostallllgggiiiicccc and sentimentaaaaaaal like all hell.

ps one of my fish died. the light pink one with short fins. i wanted to call you and tell you but that would be fucking dumb.

i really want my year 7 school id back. but i dont want to talk to you. maybe ill break into your house with the key i still have and steal it back. how creepy. i think id vomit on your doorstep if i ever went near killara again. i avoid the fucking place like a plague because it make me nausious and fucking upset.

beautiful girl i love you like a dickhead and i hate you, youre the worst and this is dumbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb blah blah blah.

Im getting drunk alone at 3am on my bedroom floor because i can. Come back to me one day. Or dont. You probably shouldnt. But i'd still like you to. Even though it would kill me. god what am i talking about i think i'd die if i ever got proof you still existed. i keep forgetting youre real. everything feels like a dream and as if it never happened. did we really date? did we really have sex for the last time in my bed? did we really fall in love and be all mushy and shit? did we really break up over the phone? did we SERIOUSLY GET MATCHING TATTOOS? mine still only has one leg by the way

I'm going to keep drinking and finish this now. i secretly hope you never find this blog again. but its available for you if one day you try to see if i didnt really delete it. ah who am i kidding.

bye pudding. i miss your facay. love nymkins. how fucking wanky goodnight UGH